For Partners, Parents & Friends ~ How to Help Her
General Tips
- Ask her how she’s feeling. Then listen closely.
- Let her know that, whatever your beliefs about abortion, you care about her and respect her ability to make decisions about her body and future.
- If the abortion was a positive experience for her, let her know you’re glad she made a choice she feels good about. If you disagree with her decision or think she should feel bad about it, try not to offer negative advice. Instead, talk to someone you trust, keeping in mind that her abortion is a private matter.
- Ask her how you can help. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t push. If she changes her mind, she’ll know that you’re there for her.
- She may need to say the same things over and over. This is part of the healing process. Don’t interrupt, give your own opinions, or tell her she needs to “move on.” Right now, she needs you to acknowledge her feelings, whatever they are.
- If she continues to have strong feelings or you feel that her struggles are too big for you to handle, encourage her to see a counselor. (Preterm offers post-abortion counseling, and we can also refer you to resources in the community. Also see Links & Resources in the sidebar.)
back to top
Tips for Partners
During tough times many men take the stance of “being strong” which can be misinterpreted as being unfeeling. Unintended pregnancy can put stress on a relationship, but honest communication, respect, and support can make a relationship grow. Here are some tips to help show your concern:
- If you’re withholding your feelings because you didn’t want to influence her decision, try expressing your opinions in a way that makes it clear you’re not telling her what to do.
- If you feel guilty for getting her pregnant, try not to dwell on it. Unless you pressured her into having sex, you’re both responsible. You can’t erase what happened, but you can support her through her abortion and help prevent another pregnancy.
- If she blames you for the pregnancy and abortion, try telling her, “I’m sorry I helped you get into this situation, and I’m sorry that you’re hurting.” She may just want to hear that you’re sorry she had to make a difficult choice and undergo surgery.
- Show her you care by giving her flowers, writing a letter, or taking her to dinner.
- Show her affection by hugging her and holding her hand. If she doesn’t respond, ask her how she’s feeling and what you can do to help. Don’t be hurt if she isn’t interested in sex. Remember, she just went through an unpleasant experience that was a direct result of sex. She needs time to get back to feeling normal and safe from pregnancy.
- You may feel that your opinion didn’t count in her abortion decision. If you wanted her to continue the pregnancy, give yourself credit for respecting her decision. Realize that her decision didn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t love you or want to have kids with you. It just means that she felt it was the best option for her at the time. Women have many reasons for having an abortion—school, jobs, money or health concerns, or just not feeling ready to start or expand a family. Find out her reasons and do your best to understand them.
- If you’re against abortion for moral or religious reasons, know that many women have abortions who previously believed it was wrong. Dealing with an unplanned pregnancy can change a person's perspective. You may want to re-evaluate your beliefs. If you still feel strongly that abortion is wrong, try talking to a trusted friend or counselor. Making her feel guilty will only drive a wedge between you.
Tips for Parents
You may have feelings about your daughter’s pregnancy and abortion such as sadness, disappointment, anger, guilt, or failure. They usually stem from concern. Your daughter may be feeling the same things about herself. Here are some tips for taking care of your daughter and yourself:
- Try not to blame yourself. No parent can know what their child is doing 24 hours a day or take full responsibility for her behavior, good or bad.
- Know the difference between wanting to “teach your daughter a lesson” and wanting her to learn from her mistakes. If you accuse and punish her, you risk alienating her when she needs you most and making her feel like she can’t approach you for help in the future.
- Although you may feel she acted irresponsibly, let her know that this doesn’t make her a bad person. Show her that you still trust her by letting her make her own choices about birth control, sex, and relationships. This is how she’ll learn to make adult decisions.
- You have a right to tell your daughter what you believe and how you feel, but make it clear that you won’t love her less for doing, feeling, or believing differently. Let her know that although you may not approve of her having sex, it’s important that she protect herself against future unplanned pregnancies.
Tips for Other Relatives and Friends
Your role in her abortion decision is less direct than a parent’s or partner’s, but you can still reach out to her. The fact that she trusts you enough to tell you what she’s going through shows that she values your involvement. Here are some tips for supporting her:
- If she’s struggling with talking to her parents or partner about her abortion and you’re close to them, offer to be there when she brings it up. (But the decision to tell her family must be hers!)
- Don’t take part in blaming anyone. Focus on her feelings. If you go on and on about another person (parent or partner) whom she still cares about despite the hurt, she may withdraw because she feels like you don’t understand.
- Don’t pass judgment. If you hold strong beliefs against abortion, tell her you still value your relationship but feel uncomfortable discussing the subject. If she already feels sad or guilty, the last thing she needs is to be told you think she made a bad decision.
- Don’t feel that you have to give advice. What she needs most is someone who will just listen.
